Stephen Colbert on FIFA: The Most Corrupt Organization in History

Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert has welcomed the appointment of a new special counsel in the Justice Department’s investigations into Donald Trump, for possible crimes related to the January 6 Capitol attack and his handling of classified documents transferred to Mar-a-Lago. Meanwhile, the former president said he would “not be involved” in a possible indictment.

“I’m not a lawyer, but I didn’t realize that was an option,” said the Late Show host. “The subject does not want to participate in the investigation -” Your honor, while it is recognized that the Public Prosecution Office has overwhelming evidence of his guilt, my client says: I do not feel that way. “

Over the weekend, Twitter’s new owner, Elon Musk, reinstated Trump’s account, which has been deactivated since January 6. “No, Elon, I’m not going back!” Colbert’s anger. Racism, misspelling, calls to violence, and Point by point. Remember the fucking covfefe? you know what? I will not participate in it.”

The billionaire CEO based his decision on a public Twitter poll, in which running back Trump had a slim majority. “I’m pretty cool at bringing back some crazy person whose recent tweets celebrated a violent coup attempt on Capitol Hill,” Colbert explained, based on a 1.8% majority in a fully completed bot-filled poll. No thanks,” said the ex-boss, preferring instead to stick to his embattled Truth Social project.

The host then moved on to the World Cup tournament held in Qatar, “a choice made by FIFA, which is, I don’t want to overestimate, the most corrupt organization in the history of the world.”

According to the US Department of Justice, FIFA allegedly awarded the tournament to Qatar, a desert country suffering from sweltering heat, after a series of bribes. “I’m sorry,” he said, “I don’t care who hears me — I’ll stand here on national television and say that about FIFA every night, unless it turns out that FIFA is a sponsor.”

Besides the high heat, Qatar has a terrible human rights record, from persecution of LGBT people, severely limited women’s rights and a system of forced labor by migrant workers. FIFA has tried to cover up any controversy by emphasizing that “everyone is welcome” at the World Cup, although the Qatari government has warned LGBTQ+ fans against “open displays of affection” and has banned fans from wearing a T-shirt during matches or in public.

“No problem, I can’t imagine anyone in a football match going shirtless,” Colbert said, sitting on a photo of a shirtless Lionel Messi.

Seth Meyers

Late at night, Seth Meyers considered the new special counsel appointed by the attorney general, Merrick Garland, to oversee investigations into Trump.

“If you’ve been tracking at home, we’re now on our second special counsel looking into whether Donald Trump, a notoriously corrupt authoritarian criminal, broke any laws,” Myers explained.

The new special counsel, Jack Smith, Myers said, is “by all accounts and to his name, a no-nonsense, tough prosecutor who will follow the facts and not be intimidated.” Which is the same thing they said about Robert Mueller. Which is cool, I guess, but where did that get us?

“I mean, Mueller identified 10 different allegations of obstruction of justice, not to mention actual evidence that the Trump campaign publicly encouraged foreign interference in the election, and then all Trump had to do was lean on the mic and say, ‘Wrong,’ and that was it.”

Trump has already begun to complain about the appointment, lamenting the “grossly corrupt” Biden administration and the “armed Department of Justice” during a speech in Mar-a-Lago this weekend.

The touring title aired but was then dropped by C-Span. “Even the C-Span is cut off!” Myers exclaimed. “This network is famous for showing wide shots of empty chairs, and even they were like, ‘This shit is boring.'”

Jimmy Kimmel

And in Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel mocked the former president’s response to the newly appointed special counsel, Jack Smith, who “looks like the man who would sentence Chewbacca to death.”

While hosting a gala for a conservative think tank this weekend, Trump called himself “one of the most honest, innocent people our country has ever had.”

“You have to admit, that was funny,” Kimmel laughed.

Meanwhile, despite being reinstated by Elon Musk, Trump has not yet returned to Twitter. “Do you know how far you have to screw Twitter to get Donald Trump to refuse to stay on it?” Kimmel said.

Trump vowed he wouldn’t come back — “a promise he’ll keep until the next time he’s on the toilet for more than 20 minutes,” Kimmel said — but Kanye West did come back after a similar reinstatement by Musk.

“Between Trump and Kanye’s return, it’s as if Elon Musk did a reverse exorcism on us,” Kimmel said. “It’s like polio and measles coming back at the same time.”

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